It is negative

3rd September. I don’t want to keep my hopes so high, I might find myself flat faced on the floor. But I just want to keep track of what I am feeling right now. Today is the day that I should have my …you know…the “girl thing.” Although the signs were still not there except my mood swings. I’m worried that I am only exaggerating things since you know what I really wanted and I might mistakenly over doing it, like I don’t have my appetite, a little dizziness here and there, I’m always sleepy this past few days and I feel like throwing up.

I am not sharing this with anyone just yet. I want to be sure. I don’t want to be happy for now, I’ll save that later. This will be a BIG blow if I am wrong but at least I am the only one who knows about it. Time will tell. Patience is what I need right now.

I can’t talk more about it. I will only post this once it’s confirmed.

2:30 PM, Same day. I got bad news and I am feeling down about it. I was given a week to think about accepting job. I was hesitant and at the same time challenged about the work that I was supposed to do. Hesitant because, transferring in a new environment would be a major change in my career. Accepting it would also imply that I need to give up my gratuity pay that I should be getting in December, geez, with a few months to count, it would surely be put to waste. I would also be banned for 6 months for not finishing my 3-year contract, that’s for sure. Though, husband’s visa is an option, I will still be working illegally since the company is not on a free zone area and they won’t be able to get me a work permit due to the ban.

The new company I was considering is also something to ponder. It is located far from our current residence with no transportation provided. I was asked about how much salary I was expecting, I gave my figure but when I asked how much is the salary range they are offering for the position, depends on the qualifications – so I really wasn’t informed about it. And the last but definitely not the least, the boss is VERY strict as per her own judgment of herself and others’ which I was able to check while I was there. This took me four days to make a decision.

They told me they will be give me a week to decide which I did. They also said that they will check my options as per the status of my visa.

With my desperation to get the hell out of this god forsaken place (please excuse my language.) I’d rather deal with a difficult boss, a far away place and an empty bank account.

But luck is not really on my side. I found out that they have already chosen someone else. With the same background, immediately available and can provide them with a NOC. Damn! With a hassle-free candidate, I understand where they’re coming from.

4th September. Still feeling the signs, I was praying hard that even if wasn’t able to get the job, I was sure hoping this one would be a perfect alternative. Well, at the time of writing, all my questions were answered. I just came out of the washroom and finally there it goes…flushed in the toilet were my hopes, fears, questions, excitement.

I feel like crying today. 2 days is all I need to know everything and it’s really, really disappointing. Sometimes, life is really unfair. And it’s hard not to think bad thoughts. When you try to be contented with everything you have and you try to be happy with even little things, someone is happier than you, someone is more contented than you.

I don’t want to end this blog negatively, but I can’t. It’s just the way it is. Maybe tomorrow would be a different day for me. Perhaps there is more to come.