This week is a riot. I started working again last Monday, 10th August. Everything was just chaos. Few days before I report to work, I had to go to the mall to buy some new office clothes. I had to pump every now and then to have milk supply for Bella so she won't run out.
First day of office was ok. Still nothing to do so I counted the time till 3 - 4 - 5 5:30! Whoohooo! Time to go home. No one was bothering to clear their respective table and everyone seem to be too busy. I waited and waited. Damn. I can't do this. Bella is waiting for me at home. She has to have her milk from nanay in the evening. I feel like crying already. I know she can't find her sleep come evening time. From 5 to 7 PM, she wants to be with me and I with her. This is damn breaking my heart. I want to have my career and at least earn something but I don't want my daughter to suffer in the process. I waited for her all my life and the least thing that I can do is be with her every step of the way. If only I could do something to make ends meet without sacrificing her growing up years. I want to be the first one to see her first smile, her first word, her every first.
I know a lot of moms understands what I am feeling right now. Moms who wants to be the best mom for their kids. Moms who wishes to see their bundle of joy everyday but work and other stuff just won't make it happen. I sometimes envy my mom. She is the one taking care of Bella when I'm at work. She is the one seeing how my daughter's doing everyday. She sees her smile, her cry, her feeding, her eyes that stare. She may even be the one to her ALL FIRSTs. And all I can do is to listen to her story on how my daughter had been on that particular day. I wish I am her. But still I thank her for being a mom to my daughter when I just cannot.
At least, for consolation, my daughter is still purely breastfed. I religiously pump in the office every 3 hours for her next day's feeding and feel guilty when I had to delay my pumping time. I am a new employee. Everyone is still a stranger. But I dont give a damn. This is for my daughter. This is the only thing I can do for her in exchange of not being with her for more than 10 hours everyday.
I will find a way to be a work-at-home-mom. That I promised you bella. Just hang in there my precious.