The Born-Worrier

What do I really want to do? I kept asking this question to my self lately now that December is fast approaching, I still have no idea what road to take. It’s quite frustrating after reaching this age, I am still in search of my self. I just want to look at the bright side of things. At least, this is a good sign that I am not stagnant and I am still looking for ways to improve my life.

I want to believe that my first priority is to be a mother soon. But somehow that idea made me shiver. I know that there will be a lot of responsibilities that goes with it and I am not sure if I am fit to be a mother just yet. Though, at this point in time, I should already be playing the role but that doesn’t mean I should hurry if time is running out, right? I don't want to be blinded with the age thing issue. I want to be ready with this one, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially and spiritually. These reasons give me apprehensions, all I am doing right now is put my faith to God as he is the only one who knows the real score. I am considering a few other possibilities should the high heaven still want me to make the most out of life.

My priority is to inform my company that I wish to end my employment with them since our contract will expire on December. Technically, as per UAE labor, my employment of 3 years will be ending by June because I was hired from the Philippines and brought to Dubai on Visit Visa. With the turn of events, I was able to get the employment 6 months after my first day of work. Hopefully, they will issue a NOC upon my release. I plan to go home around January to have my eyes scheduled for LASIK. I really, really want this done to get a better vision then come back to Dubai on Husband visa to job hunt again. What worries me is not to get work as early as expected as I don’t want to be a burden to my husband, well, I know he doesn’t my mind and it’s not him, it’s me.

My second option would be the same as my first that I still wish to the get the hell out of my work and go home but before leaving I’ll try to get a new work so they can process my employment while I am in the Philippines and come back with a sure job. This might not be feasible to target as the date may not coincide with my plans. If I’ll be able to get the job around December, better. Should I get it before that month I sure need to resign, which or course, might jeopardize my plans of eye operation because worse comes to worst, my current company will do everything to give me bullshits like “good bye to your gratuity pay, you ingrate?!” You may think I am only bad mouthing the people giving me work, you may even say that my company may not be that bad and might even consider giving me what’s due to me.” I admit I am not a good employee and I bitch around here to let out my frustrations, but who cares! I’ve been with the company for more than 2 years, I see colleagues come and go! Never did I encounter a smooth exit given by them, always for their own sake.

Enough of my outburst and let’s get on to business. Anyway, though this is my top 2 priorities at the moment, I am still considering staying without giving any notice, work and earn until I found another job and go from there.

As I have mentioned earlier, my labor card is not due until June of next year so I still have the choice of staying if I wanted to. I admit I hate the work that I am doing and the salary I am receiving right now but if I will consider the practical side of things, this might be the best option for me. Also, since I am not yet pregnant, I can still wait for a while and should we be lucky, at least, I can still work until my fifth month of pregnancy without worrying much about pressure if there’s new work, new people and everything.

I also have the choice of staying until May and wait for my better half’s vacation leave. We’ll be in the Philippines again, celebrating our first year anniversary together. I am dreaming of Palawan this time or going to Hongkong and Macau upon our return from vacation. If I will consider this option, I need to be sure that I still have a work to return to as he might not agree with all my spending trips!

There also my plans of going to London. I might consider rescheduling my LASIK appointment and putting my fund in the bank for a while as requirement if this will pushed through. Although my husband and I need to do a lot of thinking about this since moving again to another place is risky and might require us to spend so much without surety of any positive result.

This is really becoming more frustrating! Why do I have to worry so much about the littlest details? Why don’t I just go ahead and resign and get this over with? If I have to choose without even thinking, I’d go for option 1. I need to take the step forward and just take the plunge otherwise I will be left in this office feeling miserable.

Okay, I need to get hold of myself. This is me, the born worrier, though I hate this at times, where is the other side of me? The one who just go ahead and live life?! The person who has no intuition and inhibition at all! Where are you!? I need you right now! I guess she matured already and think of other people first before herself. Not the selfish, self-centered person I know before. I guess, we all have to be grown ups and carefully think about the choices that we make.

Right now, I have to focus and really prioritize what is important. I know the rest will come and fall into place once I made up my mind. I still have one month to think about all of this. I hope by then my plans will be clearer and more precise. I need to be careful with my decisions. Right now, I will leave everything to God and let him guide me. I know he has something in store for me, I just have to be patient and have more faith in him.